(writing on a character over the summer)

he felt a familiar surge of irritation flaring up but then paused and for the first time allowed himself to realise what had caused it. She was not perfect he suddenly realised and he had been expecting perfection. He sat soberly reflecting on his thoughts. Yet again he had put her up there on the pedestal of supposed perfection and then she had slipped off as always happened. He knew all too well that he himself was not perfect but had the realisation that if she was not perfect either then maybe just maybe he did not have to feel so lowly and inferior and downright guilty for letting her down. Maybe they were not so very different from each other after all ? He sat back in his armchair and a smile developed slowly as he felt the immense relief of the burden he had been carrying for years. He began to think of how they could both be and realised they could both be as snappy with each other and both had moods of chattyness or quietness. He felt himself begin to relax. In fact he thought she could be quite selfish in the relationship and quite demanding. If they had been spending a lot of time together he felt drained and less of his whole self and he realised that to his amazement he was actually quite easy going and amenable. he often went along with her plans because it seemed fair enough and he wanted to please her and have her happy. he rarely demanded they did a certain thing or tried to persuade her to do things he wanted for himself. It was a new wonderful feeling and he felt the beginnings of being set free from guilt and self dislike. Maybe just maybe he was kinder and less selfish in the relationship than he had feared and this new thought gave him a feeling of release and genuine pleasure. One thing he began to feel strongly about was to gradually chage the perceived dynamics as she sometimes referred to his irritability or snappiness as if it was a thing he alone was guilty of but thinking in the honest way he was allowing himself he realised this was decidedly lopsided and unfair. Since she had stopped work she had been much more over sensitive and likely to have her own way of retroting sharply to him and it was something he had begun to do less so the supposed truth between them that he was the only one ever to be unreasonable should not stand unchallenged any more. Maybe he need feel less over apologetic so much of the time. It occurred to him for the very first time ever that not only could he be hard to have a relationship with but that so could she. maybe it was not abnormal that he could feel so drained by their time together? Maybe it was not it was not just him being funny that way? Maybe she actually was hard to have a relationship with simply because everyone can be and close human relationships can be hard work. What if everyone enjoys a break from each other now and then and it was not a failing of his that he felt as every other human felt ? These questions flooded his mind rapidly as he allowed himself to see things from a new angle. He sat quietly for a while and in some way wanted to share his new truth with someone but did not know anyone that well so sat some more in hopeful contemplation. He realised he had expected perfection from himself and had been trying to be the perfect partner to her which he now realised was totally impossible. But too maybe he could work on expecting less perfection from other people then he would not feel let down or upset or irritated ? Maybe all in all he could relax ? He began then to feel some new freedom opening up in front of him and some of the guilt and shame he had been carrying for years of not being somehow ''good enough'' for her or for any of his friendships began to ease slightly. He thought back to his parents when they had been alive - he almost laughed at the obvious cliche but he had somehow never felt ''good enough'' for them either not ever. He had been in fear of them hating him and abandoning him for their dislike and his failure to please them enough. He felt sad in someways now but also some sense of hope arising that if he had made these realisations maybe he could begin to change his patterns of thinking and relating to people and some of his behaviour ? He sat deep in thought for ages as he contemplated possible changes ahead. He realised how much he had been comparing himself to others. he used to feel he was less critical and sharp in tongue than his mother but much nastier potentially than his wife but maybe now he could be himself and view himself not only as reasonably ok but as acceptable ?

penarth

waters edge
calm
rythmical
uncomplicated
imagining the scene
flat warm sand
water slightly warmed by the sun
shallow slow steady waves
quiet trickle as the wave subsides
calming down
head emptied
consumed by the scene
movement back and forth

empty your mind
replay the pictures
smile - calming down - relieved

leaving the beach i always turned to encapsulate the scene and store it away for restless nights or sad days

quiet
focus
hear the peaceful lapping of the waves
stilling the internal choas
breathe quietly
relax

Time to Spare?

The ironing is done
Its all put away
What shall I do with
The rest of my day?
The dinner’s prepared
The cats have been fed
All left to do is
Go make the bed.
I want to get changed
Put my gardening garb on
But its raining outside
The sunshine has gone.
I know what I’ll do
I’ll go make a list
Of things I can do
On a day such as this!

The Invisibles

The Culture of the Invisibles, doubt you’ve ever heard of us. It’s a section of society that is very unusual, a society full of members who don’t actually know each other. Probably the vast majority reckon/believe that they are the only member of this particular club. Everyone knows someone who is a member. Think about it. You know someone who is shy, quiet, uncomplaining, endlessly patient, will queue without sighing, put up with impossible situations (that make them very unhappy). Many of the members of this club are the people you can always rely on to help out whether it’s in a crisis or just to wash up all the coffee mugs in the staffroom. The person that always has a plaster, knows the phone number of a plumber in an emergency, will water your plants/feed your cats while you’re away.
Have you ever stopped to think about this person? Really think? Why is this person always so quietly willing to help, do routine chores no-one else will do, put up with unpleasantness, be so reliable? You may think ‘well, they’re shy, lacking self-confidence, is actually a bit of a doormat, never really thought about it, who did you say ……………
Do you think this person is happy?
I’ll let you into a little secret. Happiness doesn’t come into it. There are many reasons and yes some are content to be as they are but for every one that is I would be willing to bet that there are several who aren’t. It’s quite horrid being invisible. One has to live with the feeling of always being puzzled, of feeling stupid, of not belonging, not fitting in anywhere. How come everyone else knows what you don’t know, where did they learn the secret of how to be a part of life?
The very worst part of being a member of the Invisible Club is the loneliness. You feel desperate to be a part of the ‘normal’ world but given the chance you would be gripped by such an overwhelming feeling of fear, would smile a little smile and politely and quietly decline but all the time inside your head you’re screaming ‘yes please, I would love to be with you all, I don’t want to be on my own.’ But always the fear wins and you remain one of the Invisibles.

A Letter to my Sixteen Year Old Self

Dear me at sixteen,
I know you are feeling miserable and have no idea why but its not you but an illness called depression. No-one recognises that teenagers can get it, they all think you are a moody difficult young person. But you’re not, you’re actually quite ill. I’d recommend you see a doctor but that would be a waste of time as the doctors don’t recognise it either. What I will advise you is not to make any big decisions like what you’re going to do/be for the rest of your life. You really do have time on your side though I know you can’t see it. You think – and probably because of your teachers and parents are putting pressure on you to make a decision – that you really have to decide now but you don’t and anyway you can always change your mind. Whatever you do decide now is no more than a stepping stone and there’ll be many many more of those over the years. Stop being so afraid of everything, it really will all work out in time and time is something you have a lot of. Opportunities will arise. Take your time. You’re not happy in school so leave, get a job, you can always take up your education later on when you’re ready. You’re not ready now that’s a fact. You’re too unwell to make any lifelong decision, get a job that will give you something to do and some money to live on and then just take it all one day at a time. Don’t pin yourself down with anything, you’re too young and far from ready for anything like that. Yes, life at home is miserable right now but none of it is your fault. Your dad, he’s ill too with the depression, he can’t help the way he is any more than you can. Get out as much as you can, have as much fun as you can.
I know your mother wasn’t the most tactful person when you came home with your ‘o’ level results saying you could have done better. We both know that it was a miracle you did as well as you did. Don’t blame her though, she’s just inherently tactless and is also totally unaware of it. Look at the things that are going well for you and at the talents you do have. You have grandparents who are always pleased to see you, you can sew beautifully oh and so much more. Never mind about that lot at school, once you leave you’ll never see them again.
Remember you were born on a Thursday and Thursdays child has far to go. you may not think it now but the possibility of seeing the world is there so keep that dream of travel there and be ready.
Love from Me much later in life.