(writing on a character over the summer)

he felt a familiar surge of irritation flaring up but then paused and for the first time allowed himself to realise what had caused it. She was not perfect he suddenly realised and he had been expecting perfection. He sat soberly reflecting on his thoughts. Yet again he had put her up there on the pedestal of supposed perfection and then she had slipped off as always happened. He knew all too well that he himself was not perfect but had the realisation that if she was not perfect either then maybe just maybe he did not have to feel so lowly and inferior and downright guilty for letting her down. Maybe they were not so very different from each other after all ? He sat back in his armchair and a smile developed slowly as he felt the immense relief of the burden he had been carrying for years. He began to think of how they could both be and realised they could both be as snappy with each other and both had moods of chattyness or quietness. He felt himself begin to relax. In fact he thought she could be quite selfish in the relationship and quite demanding. If they had been spending a lot of time together he felt drained and less of his whole self and he realised that to his amazement he was actually quite easy going and amenable. he often went along with her plans because it seemed fair enough and he wanted to please her and have her happy. he rarely demanded they did a certain thing or tried to persuade her to do things he wanted for himself. It was a new wonderful feeling and he felt the beginnings of being set free from guilt and self dislike. Maybe just maybe he was kinder and less selfish in the relationship than he had feared and this new thought gave him a feeling of release and genuine pleasure. One thing he began to feel strongly about was to gradually chage the perceived dynamics as she sometimes referred to his irritability or snappiness as if it was a thing he alone was guilty of but thinking in the honest way he was allowing himself he realised this was decidedly lopsided and unfair. Since she had stopped work she had been much more over sensitive and likely to have her own way of retroting sharply to him and it was something he had begun to do less so the supposed truth between them that he was the only one ever to be unreasonable should not stand unchallenged any more. Maybe he need feel less over apologetic so much of the time. It occurred to him for the very first time ever that not only could he be hard to have a relationship with but that so could she. maybe it was not abnormal that he could feel so drained by their time together? Maybe it was not it was not just him being funny that way? Maybe she actually was hard to have a relationship with simply because everyone can be and close human relationships can be hard work. What if everyone enjoys a break from each other now and then and it was not a failing of his that he felt as every other human felt ? These questions flooded his mind rapidly as he allowed himself to see things from a new angle. He sat quietly for a while and in some way wanted to share his new truth with someone but did not know anyone that well so sat some more in hopeful contemplation. He realised he had expected perfection from himself and had been trying to be the perfect partner to her which he now realised was totally impossible. But too maybe he could work on expecting less perfection from other people then he would not feel let down or upset or irritated ? Maybe all in all he could relax ? He began then to feel some new freedom opening up in front of him and some of the guilt and shame he had been carrying for years of not being somehow ''good enough'' for her or for any of his friendships began to ease slightly. He thought back to his parents when they had been alive - he almost laughed at the obvious cliche but he had somehow never felt ''good enough'' for them either not ever. He had been in fear of them hating him and abandoning him for their dislike and his failure to please them enough. He felt sad in someways now but also some sense of hope arising that if he had made these realisations maybe he could begin to change his patterns of thinking and relating to people and some of his behaviour ? He sat deep in thought for ages as he contemplated possible changes ahead. He realised how much he had been comparing himself to others. he used to feel he was less critical and sharp in tongue than his mother but much nastier potentially than his wife but maybe now he could be himself and view himself not only as reasonably ok but as acceptable ?