feels like an essential part of an ongoing transformation process.
lists and jotted ideas as they come to me
the size is important as it forces me to condense ideas to a few most important words
i began carrying a small notebook about four years ago as i found myself frustrated and tired from repeating ideas over and over in my head so as not to forget them.
sometimes a phrase or idea or memory or new understanding feels intensely important at the time and i feel such a buzz of excitement when i make a note of it - though on reflection at calmer times it can lose its urgency but at other times i am delighted to be reminded of a certain train of thought and may go on to expand on it further.
when i started carrying a notebook i was seeing a psychologist and i found that after stirring up thoughts and feeling with him new understandings would occassionally occur to me at unexpected moments and it seemed useful to capture them - mainly for my own use but sometimes as an area in which to start the next time i met up with him. i suppose i sort of saw it as my ''homework'' and feel i was continuing to ''work'' on things in between sessions to make as many useful changes as possible as speedily as possible. although at the time some notes seem essential i usually find that i absorb the insights over time and can end up feeling fine about throwing used pages away.
i suppose in a way it feels like a friend to confide in at any time i sit and think and feels like a symbol of trying to make positive changes, depending on myself rather than always needing someone else involved in the process.
sometimes the actual process where i put ideas into solid words has been essential as it can make me focus more clearly on choosing each word and phrase carefully and in doing that i have sometimes made exciting new links on the page as i make notes.
2 comments:
I had a practical experience of 'notebook as friend' this morning. Just settled down at my desk in one of my favourite writing places (the table furthest from the door in Caffè Nero!), with cappuccino, croissant, open notebook and pencil neatly laid out ready. The plan was to write some reflections on Thursday's inspirational visit to the Davies Collection at the National Museum.
Music was playing very softly in the back ground, and I suddenly realized that it was a Mozart concerto that I knew all too well. Some years ago, I wouldn't have been able to stay and listen to it. The memories it evoked were too powerfully sad. Either sit there with tears streaming (in Caffè Nero?!) or leave my coffee untouched and escape to the street hoping it was raining. But not this time. I closed the notebook and just sat there listening to the music and appreciating it. I realized with a smile that my hand was still resting on the notebook as the concerto finished and was replaced by, I think, some early lute or guitar music.
I sat for a while and analysed how I was feeling. We get good at that. But my description didn't come out of the CBT Inventory. What I was feeling was happy melancholy, and I wouldn't have swapped it for anything. I was pleased that there was no-one there to talk to about it, just me and my notebook, and once I came out of the reverie I picked up the pencil, opened the book, and captured what I could of the memory.
The Museum reflections will have to wait for another visit. Maybe next time I will sit near the window, where the street noise drowns out the music, but I downloaded an MP3 and it is playing as I write...
This piece is something we all can relate to as we said in the class and its really lovely to hear it put so well in to words. I like what you say about the size of the notebook being important as you're right the smaller ones do mean that we are more succint in what we write. For me that is better as otherwise i can sometimes write forever! Infact when it is a smaller book my words often come out more as poetry and this can really make clearer for me the essence of what it is i am feeling. I've started to carry around a small notebook and i find it does punctuate the passage of life, i can dip in to it and record something that comes to the surface within me at that time. Although it is remembering to do it!
Sounds like the notebook came in very useful Michael in helping you deal with what was a deep emotional memory. These memories can arise at at times we are least expecting them, triggered by something often small and transitory, and sometimes, you're right, we do need to process them on our own. Come to our own understanding of things. Capturing forgotten moments can be an invaluable process. Thats good you were able to stay with it....
Yes, Thursdays visit was inspirational, felt quite different about the Rodin sculpture after writing about it in the way we did. Felt like i knew it more...... you were missed by us all Ruth.
Post a Comment